The Tragedy of Half-Ted

A Scene From American Gothic S1, E15 Learning to Crawl

American Gothic was a show on CBS in the 1995–96 television season, created by Shaun Cassidy (yes, that Shaun Cassidy) and executive produced by Sam Raimi. It was criminally underrated and one of the best genre TV shows of the 90s, but almost nobody saw it. It was the TV equivalent to what DC Comics was doing with the Vertigo imprint with books like Hellblazer, Sandman, and Preacher. American Gothic would have made an excellent Vertigo comic.

Lucas Buck (Gary Cole) is the sheriff of the small southern town of Trinity, South Carolina. He is also literally the devil.

TV Tropes says this:

“Sheriff Buck rules over his little kingdom with morbid humor and playfulness, setting up moral pitfalls and dilemmas for the town’s residents, and dispensing his own brand of justice, vengeance, or just plain meanness — which often involves ruin, insanity, dismemberment, or death.

Opposing Buck is young Caleb Temple (Lucas Black), an orphan who talks regularly to his dead sister Merlyn (Sarah Paulson) and has powers of his own — and who may or may not be Buck’s son. Buck wants Caleb to follow him; Merlyn wants Caleb to resist; and the rest of Trinity gets caught in the crossfire, so to speak.”

Even though the show was on CBS, it’s not available to watch on Paramount+. Prime Video has it for purchase though, if you’re interested.

This scene is from episode 15, Learning to Crawl (IMDb says it’s ep. 17 and Wikipedia says it’s ep. 15). It takes place in a cabin in the woods (like all good Sam Raimi-produced drama) and the actor who plays Ted is Raimi’s brother, Ted Raimi.

I think about this scene often.

SETUP
In the woods outside Trinity, three kidnappers have abducted the CEO of a tobacco company named Rolston. One of the kidnappers, Ted Parker, stays with Rolston in an old fishing cabin while the two others go to collect the ransom. When Rolston decides to leave the cabin, the nervous Ted shoots him in the back, wounding him badly.

Meanwhile, Lucas takes Caleb on a fishing trip, but they stumble onto Ted in the cabin.

INT. FISHING CABIN — AFTERNOON

Ted is aiming his pistol at Lucas and Caleb. Lucas has his hands up. Ted reaches into Lucas’s coat and pulls out his wallet and sheriff’s badge.

TED
Oh. You’re a cop.

LUCAS
Lucas Buck. Nice to meet you, uh…

TED
Ha. I’m not telling you my name.

LUCAS
Looks like we’re gonna be together a little while, I gotta call you somethin’. How ‘bout… I’ll call ya… Ted.

TED
How’d you know my name?

LUCAS (laughing)
Just blind, dumb luck. You just look like a Ted. What’s your plan, Ted?

TED (menacingly)
None of your business.

LUCAS
You don’t have a plan, Ted? You know what Nietzsche said, Ted. “A man without a plan is not a man.”

CALEB
I’d rather have a gun than a plan.

LUCAS
Well, that’s where you’re wrong, son. Ted! You gonna shoot? Cuz if I’m gonna get shot by a Ted, I’d rather it be sooner than later.

Ted cocks his pistol and aims it at Lucas’ head.

TED
I will if I have to.

Lucas steps forward and Ted backs up as Lucas speaks.

LUCAS
I can see it now, Ted. Your face on the evening news. Headline reads “Cop killer.” “Child murderer.” Yer momma at home watchin’. Proud of her little boy.

TED (pressing the gun into Lucas’ chest)
Back off.

LUCAS (looks down at gun)
That’s right to the heart. I’d be dead before I even hit the floor. Go for it, Ted.

Ted doesn’t have it in him. He uncocks the gun and hands it to Lucas, deflated.

LUCAS
Caleb!

CALEB
Yes sir?

LUCAS
Rustle us up some fishing line.

CALEB
All right.

Caleb crosses to the other side of the room and discovers Rolston on the floor, bleeding.

CALEB
Lucas, I think ya oughta come here a minute.

Lucas pushes Ted over to where Caleb is and sees the wounded Rolston on the floor.

LUCAS
Ted, that man is half dead. And you halfway took us hostage. I’m gonna call you “Half-Ted.”

TED
Shut up.

LUCAS (to Caleb)
Let me tell you why Half-Ted here is a failure. You know what a conscience is?

CALEB
It’s like, uh, when you do somethin’ wrong and it bothers you?

LUCAS
Well, not me. But see Half-Ted here has half a conscience. A man with a real conscience never would have gotten himself into this pickle. And a man with no conscience would have killed us all and be in Florida already.

CALEB
So you’re saying that Ted’s not a bad man.

LUCAS
I’m not talkin’ about good or bad, son, I’m talkin’ about survival. Whole… (he makes a round gesture with his hands, then he gestures to Ted), half. Half is nowhere. Half is… half.

CALEB
You gotta take it all the way.

LUCAS (proud of Caleb)
That’s right.

“Half-Ted” has become shorthand for me anytime a character is neither here nor there — in the wishy-washy middle — usually I use it as a pejorative. Half is nowhere.